Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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