He uses pillows to masturbate.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Don't EVER smell your tampon
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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