I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
