fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
