I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
