i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
