If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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