I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
