He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
