I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
His nipple licking is glorious
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