Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
organizing the empties. That sober.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
