Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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