My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
