I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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