got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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