I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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