if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
should my penis look like a turkey
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
A+ Viking dick
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
