Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
