It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
