I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
