I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize