my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
