Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Randomize
