note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Please don't give away my fajitas
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize