you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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