Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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