I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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