dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
MIDGETS
????
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
