i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
