turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
