eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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