yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
