Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
