I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
