he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
