My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
