The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize