Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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