hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
