Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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