What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
