the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
