you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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