Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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