ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
