tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
