Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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