She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
