i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize