The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize