So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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