Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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